i've been thinking, for a few days, about this thing i came across on (most probably) tumblr. something about how selfish we are; when people leave us, we're concerned about how said person will no longer provide solace for us, create memories with us - it's always about what we no longer can do without this person, and how the departure incapacitates us. we don't thank them for the past, we resent the future without them.

abrupt jump. the aged old saying about how if you love someone then you'd want to see them happy - even if it's not by your side.

basically, the above led to me conclude i am indeed a selfish person - who probably loved no one, should the two premises hold true.

i've never truly felt happy for anyone that left me. only resent, anger, for the lack of a better word - melancholy, sadness, yearning.

and i always make myself the victim. not at the end. throughout the sustenance of the relationship (friendship), i meticulously (though not necessarily consciously - if you would ignore the irony) act in ways to deliberately put myself at the losing end. for convenience sake - when i am moved on from, i then have the rights to blame and cry. if that's not foreshadowing a faulty ending then what is.

sadly, it's my preferred manifest of what resembles a defence mechanism.

for once, i want to be the one that leaves, not the one that waits tirelessly on someone. my predisposed need for pity (?) obviously precludes that possibility.

well, fuck.