結束上一段「友達以上；戀人未滿」後，我自己心裡決定了不要再讓男生送我到我家門口、甚至到樓下也不要。也不要和男生共同喜歡自己很愛的歌。不要和男生去自己常去的地方。一切都為了預防曲終人散後，要自己一個人回家、自己一個人開車聽歌、自己一個人到常去的地方、回不自禁的喚起共渡的回憶。

可我就是偏偏忘了給自己打預防針。我不但讓他把我送到我家門口，我還對他依依不捨。我不但和他分享了自己最愛的歌，我還戀上了他唯美的音樂品味。不但約在常去的地方，還把他家列入常去的地方。

除外，我是一個對氣味很敏感的人；不小心就對他的香水味染上了癮。説起來有點肉麻又煽情，但我覺得我享受我們倆的香水味融合在一起的瞬間。

 一天24小時我幾乎花了所有的時間等他，等他醒來，等他回復我，等他約我，等。我知道自己的不爭氣，所以我很用心的隱瞞我等他的足跡。

不知道該説他真的是個情場高手，懂得投其所好，還是他對每一個女生都一樣。但我就是喜歡他一開始的咄咄逼人。所以當他開始放鬆他的傲慢，我就害怕了。

有時我會自行反省，怎麽會有那麽犯賤的個性，總是成爲男人不壞女人不愛的女生典範。最終得到的結果就是:壞男人總是顯得比較自信，儘管自己只是個八十分男，他也覺得自己是百分百，他不會讓你覺得他配不上你，反而讓你覺得他在施捨與你、他不會讓你覺得你的離開會對他有損，反而你會覺得他的離去會讓你無法繼續你的生活作息。我會喜歡這樣的男生，終究處於我的被動和欠佳的自信心 – 我永遠不會主動，所以要不是男生很自信、主動，我們永遠不會有所進展。這點使我總是把自己限制在謙卑的位置，默默地祈求他不會突然變心。

其實我寫了這麽多，簡單可以以這段話説明：“我們渴望被自己喜歡的人馴服，要是他馴服不了我，我根本不會愛他。可是，一個人給馴服了，就得有流淚的準備，就得明白失望和悲傷隨時會降臨。”

以上。

incongruence, dissonance, conflict

i will graduate with second upper honours.
i will graduate with second upper honours.
i will graduate with second upper honours.
i will graduate with second upper honours.
i will graduate with second upper honours.
i will graduate with second upper honours.
i will graduate with second upper honours.
i will graduate with second upper honours.
i will graduate with second upper honours.
i will graduate with second upper honours.
i will graduate with second upper honours.
i will graduate with second upper honours.
i will graduate with second upper honours.
i will graduate with second upper honours.

i did it. 4.25 this semester. just two more semesters of 4.25 and I WILL GRADUATE WITH SECOND UPPER HONOURS.

02122013



我好想你 好想你 卻不露痕跡
我還踮著腳思念 我還任記憶盤旋
我還閉著眼流淚 我還裝作無所謂
我好想你 好想你 卻欺騙自己
我好想你 好想你 就當作秘密
我好想你 好想你 就深藏在心

*

nothing's worth losing you yet i didn't know how to make you stay

30112013

Want
1) Locket
2) Watercolour Bambi
3) keeper of my soul / defender of my heart
4) Penrose triangle

*



too bad you didn't realise

29112013

why goodbye?

27112013 

"this is why we need historians - the keepers of knowledge"

26112013

what burden is it to possess an inability to die

22112013

"how's life" how's life? how's life missing the best days of my summer?

*

Happy Birthday 10/10

19112013

i regret all the time and places i've spent and been with you

15112013

"Do not confuse her patience with tolerance. " yes. don't.

12112013 

죽도록 열심히 공부해!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10112013 

“請你珍惜我還愛你”

07112013

 "Unfiltered"

02112013

"If you leave someone at least tell them why, because what's more painful than being abandoned; is knowing you're not worth an explanation."

31102013

그 xx

29102013

"There’s no need for compromise, you conform. There’s no need to meet halfway, because you’ve already made the whole trip.

You respect his freedom. If he wants to be alone, you’ll let him be. If he wants to explore his options, you’ll let him be. And you wait tirelessly on him."

*

cus i don't wanna lose you now // the vacancy that sat in my heart is a space that now you hold // show me how to fight for now

 21102013

The saddest part about giving someone a chance is when you realise they don't need it.

*

我錯了。其實最傷的是，我連藉口都為你想好了。

20102013

你敢不敢 承認我愛上你的壞
你敢不敢 說恨我 像愛我一樣
發自內心的堅決
你敢不敢 愛一個人 如此卑微
你敢不敢 無視我止不住的眼淚
你敢不敢 說這段 感情的不堪
全都是我的不對
你敢不敢 愛錯了人 卻不想面對

*



*

"They make their wishes and just... Move on."
"I'm afraid I know the feeling... Of what it's like to be moved on from."

16102013

Get mildly depressed and lose sleep and repeat routine every fucking night.

13102013

"I cry because other people are stupid and that makes me sad"

04102013

and i wonder if i ever cross your mind

03102013

병이에요 환자에요
아픈 기억은 다 지워요
아마 그댈 알겠죠
많이 사랑했겠죠
그러니까 그댈 지웠겠죠

아마 그댈 알겠죠
많이 사랑했겠죠

그러니까 그댈 지웠겠죠

01102013

times new roman > arial

29092013

resigned forbearance

26092013

that ever elusive victory within

25092013

"that's the thing about pain. it demands to be felt."

*

"我不說，你不懂。。。有時候不是對方不在乎你，而是你把對方看得太重。"

24092013

your callousness is your strongest armour and that is why only i ever feel hurt

17092013

我開始習慣你不在身邊
幾陣大雨後又是秋天
日暮的絢爛 彩虹的短暫
你願不願留下陪我 就一晚
你的依戀 你的意念
你殘忍的纏綿 你的世界
你的空間 你模糊的臉

16092013

heart upon my sleeve

14092013

"death isn’t so bad. because when you notice it, it's not about you. and when it's you, you won’t notice it."

(well more like short messages to several individuals unconcerned enough to never read this blog)

well hi. i don't know. maybe we're just not cool enough. not the kind of crowd you'd like to hang out with. what does time mean to you? is it just a measure of how long have we known each other. or a testament to the strength of our friendship? maybe back then we were the best you could get and subsequently we just got superseded by someone(s) better. for you it always seems that the new is always better. well i guess it's not all that bad except that i really hate a non-reciprocal relationship. i don't know how long i can keep up with this but, we'll see.

and you. hm you. you're a tricky one. i've always liked you enough to tolerate your oddities but you know, there's just one regenerating land mine planted in me that you never fail to deliberately step on. but it doesn't hurt you; you're armoured with your unyielding callousness. it hurts only me. so stop, please?

ah now you. hm. i think the whole episode you had with a certain someone has affected the dynamics in our friendship. i'm very thoroughly sorry but i am a rather judgmental person. i just can't view you the same way anymore. well to be honest i've always felt we'd never click perfectly because.........well........ i've no idea how to say this but, you're just not as smart. i'm not saying i am a genius but i've always been in an environment with fairly intelligent people all my life so, well let's just say it was hard. and it's harder now.

and me, well supposing the theory of parallel universes proves true (which, i suppose theoretically, is highly likely), hello other me. do you think you'll ever be happy in life? what do you think will actually make you happy anyway? do you feel, like me, that you're never just, generally happy? i mean, of course you laugh when you're with people; you're happy to share a joke (or at least provide the track of laughter succeeding one), but like, just...... being happy without any triggers? do you think you can ever do that? i've tried. but the fact that i have to try to be happy... i don't know. it's just depressing to me.

有時候啊真搞不懂 我怎麽明明偏向屬於獨立性的女生卻那麽嚮往談戀愛。嗯 怎麽說呢。也不是不談戀愛就不會快樂；只是覺得有個可以分享一切的人會更快樂吧。不要提朋友也可以。有些因素還是不一樣的啊。

然後就是這個謎思吧。要說長得亭亭玉立就免了但真的起碼拿鏡子照起來不算太不堪。怎麽就是沒人愛！！！

哎。

還是沒有辦法具體形容我對你是什麼感受
只曉得它是不良的心情
有份怨 有份恨 有份怒 最終還是無奈承認 其中還是有份心疼 有份傷
但始終還是找不到那份。。。釋懷。


你的味道 沒有變 也沒有 不見 只有 距離變了 以前是貼身的味道 現在是空氣了彌漫的香氣

楚人有鬻盾与矛者，誉之曰：“吾盾之坚，莫之能陷也。” 又誉其矛曰：“吾矛之利，于物无不陷也。”

年末期你為解愁開始抽吸菸 我說你怎麽瘋了
（回國途上你戒了）
什麽叫 矛盾
就是我 因爲你 開始 犯了癮

最後 我在吸菸 但你 不會像我勸你一樣 勸我不要這樣

點燃你總抽的香煙 欺騙我無法滿足的嗅覺

i gave in too much. by some warped logic, i felt sorry that i was rejecting your advances. so i gave in. i gave in when you said "hug me" and pulled my hands around your waist, i didn't pull them away. i gave in when you asked for one on your cheek. i gave in when you hugged me too tightly and i didn't push you away. i gave in by hugging you voluntarily, rare and few, but not non-existent. i gave in that last night, 因爲你說 “我對你這麽好。。。”，你說你好累要我幫你捶背，我屈了。

because i gave in too much, 我現在真的好丟臉。

我一直都以矜持為原則，就這一次我屈了。就這樣放下矜持，就這樣輸了。

perhaps i appear to be as nonchalant as you do to me. but really i'm just waiting for an apology. nothing more. but from you it seems like it's one sorry too much to ask for.

我堅信愛一個人時 連他口中吐出的菸都會是香的 可是你每次抱我後 我聞到自己身上沾滿你的菸味我都覺得好令人作嘔

 還有你知道嗎 我昨晚會偷溜走其實是想買菸酒 可是找不到便利商店 今天離開在賭場的你 終於找到了 就買了一包菸 （幹娘的 大馬菸便宜死了 打火機卻貴得不像話）離最後一次碰菸有4-5年了吧 換了牌子抽 沒變的就是我依然討厭事完後留在口中的餘味 5根菸後 回到房間我立刻漱口 狂吃薄荷糖 我不喜歡跟你有一樣的味道